Once in a while I see a diagram that captures my thoughts / opinions so well, I can't help but to share it. That's why I am thankful to Bud Cadell for his brilliant blog post. It's brilliant enough that it needs no explanation.

I can't tolerate most self-help books. They all seem say the same thing and few of them focus on others as a means of bettering yourself. That's why this book caught my eye.

Keith Ferrazzi, author of NYT and Amazon.com bestseller  'who's got your back' suggests, if you choose to work on a better future, that you must commit to four vows:

1) We've chosen to help others and stop worrying only about ourselves.
2) We've chosen to let our guards down so others can help.
3) We've chosen transparency and candor over politics and BS.
4) We've chosen to hold each other accountable so that we don't fail.

Food for thought.

Setting: A boat docked in Ferragudo, a tiny fishing village in the Algarve region in the South of Portugal.

An American tourist approached Peixoto and complimented the Portuguese fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered Peixoto.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

Peixoto explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs… I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

And after that?” asked Peixoto.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to a great City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked Peixoto.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said Peixoto.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

”But sir, replied the humble fisherman, I already have that.”

Sorry for the silence. Life has been a roller-coaster as we are nearing the end of my wife's chemotherapy treatments. Managing the kids, her well-being, my work, the collective emotions and our relationships has stretched my spirituality as well as my time-management skills. I'll blog about all the lessons learnt when it's all over and the dust has settled.

One of my students at the engineering school I teach Entrepreneurship at, had an interesting quote  that she put at the footer of her emails. I thought it applied well to me when I read it and it applies even more to entrepreneurs caught in a spiral of self-doubt about their choices.

Excellence can be obtained if you :
care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical and expect more than others think is possible !

It reminded me of a little story I read as a child that stuck with me and fueled me on those days when I had nothing left:

A retired business executive was once asked the secret of his success. He replied that it could be summed up in three words: 'and then some'.
'I discovered at an early age,' he said, 'that most of the differences between average people and top people could be explained in three words. The top people did what was expected of them - and then some.

'They were thoughtful of others, they were considerate and kind - and then some.

'They were good friends to their friends - and then some.

'They would deliver on their promises at work, at church and at home - and then some.

'They could be counted on in an emergency - and then some.

'And so it is when we put our trust in God's goodness. He returns our love - and then some.'

In the last months, I've researched and studied quite extensively the phenomenon of personal branding and all that it entails. From high-flying strategies to down-to-earth tactics, with the help of hundreds of books, blog posts and bookmarked pages, I’ve mindmapped and vulgarized the concept. And I've come to one single conclusion:

It's stupid and false.

The foundational premise found everywhere in personal branding is that we need to identify within ourselves that ONE thing that distinguishes us, that makes us different, that renders us unique in the eyes of the world. I had to find the answer to the riddle : 'I am that (insert something here) guy'. What was it: that digital strategies guy ? that IT entrepreneur guy ? that Christian or church guy ?

After months of too many suggested tests and soul-searching questions later, I became frustrated at my lack of finding that ONE thing to pin everything on. I already knew what my core values were (link) as well as my belief system (link). BUT what was that ONE thing ? What made me special in the eyes of the world surrounding me ?

But wait… who was that world surrounding me ? Who did I need to develop my personal branding for ? Whose my target demographic ? My wife and kids ? My parents ? My friends I grew up with who knew me with all my zits ? My clients ? Anonymous readers on my blog ? My Facebook ‘friends’ ? People I didn't know who see me in conferences ? My students at my alma mater ? And what if I didn’t care about anyone and just focused on what I thought of me ? And what about God… isn't that who I am ultimately accountable to ?

The authors of personal branding applied some age-old marketing principles used for corporations to individual human beings, perpetrating the narcissistic and hazardous notion that we are developing a Me Inc. society. The relationships we end up developing become a matter of ‘what’s in it for Me Inc. ?’ And that is what I dislike about the whole social media wave: the notion that we make ourselves out to be important people by showing off our wonderful belly-button-looking side.

I cannot adhere to the principle that we are defined by ONE thing and that we need to push that image on others as some kind of single source of validation. If we want to sell our expertise and demonstrate our knowledge, fine. But we are so much more than what is in our head.

Therefore, there is not ONE single element that will define me, be it my work, my knowledge, my experience, my values, my relationships, my service, my social standing…whatever.

I’ll look up as the basis for my beliefs, look inward as I try to become a balanced and whole person and then look outward to see who I can help.

Disclaimer : I know it was a television stunt, but I'm looking at the video as if I was an innocent bystander.

Here's why I think this video demonstrates essential ingredients to making your company (and this world) a much better place:

- They had no shame.
- It was a complete spontaneous surprise.
- There was an obvious concerted effort to please others.
- It started with one person who dared which then grew to hundreds.
- There were no requests of a 'return', it was a gift.
- The receivers (the crowd) demonstrated their stupor and their subsequent approval. They clapped and, most importantly, participated in their own way (check out 2:47).

It answered the fundamental question : 'why would all these people do this ?' ...  with the best answer possible 'because we wanted to'.

And that makes me smile.

Austin (hat tip) rightly called it 'Random Acts of Happiness'.

Let me tell you a story.

It all started with a little blood in the stool on thursday february 5th, 2009. The next day, there was a little more. And in the night of friday to saturday, my wife was quietly hemorraging. I say quietly because when I woke up saturday, she told me that she had a little more blood in the stool and was going to the local clinic just to be sure (we later found out she had lost close to half of the red blood cell count).

After 4 hours at the clinic, the attending doctor was not alarmed. He told her to go home and eventually take an appointment with a gastro-enterologist, which, he warned, could take months. So back home, Saturday noon, she was debating whether to go to the hospital or just 'walk it off'. A wise phone call to her eldest sister, a pediatrician, convinced her make the trip to the emergency room. So she drove there (remember, she unknowingly only had half her blood) while I was home with the 3 boys.

As soon as she stepped in the ER, she was placed as a priority case (the advantages of a rural hospital). They started monitoring her and booking her for tests to find the cause of the bleeding. By the evening, they had sent a camera down to the stomach to find out if there were ulcers to burn - but to no avail. So they booked her for a colonoscopy Sunday morning with her Saturday night filled with drinking a disgusting Gatorade-like juice to empty the system out. At that time, we were pretty sure it was an ulcer somewhere that just needed to be burnt with the camera light. An annoyance more than anything else, or so we thought.

Ah, Sunday. A day drilled into my memory banks. It was her father's birthday too. The colonoscopy was done before noon and then there was an interminable waiting period in the ER. It seemed like an eternity not knowing what the problem was, hoping for a small ulcer, being told to wait 'just a little longer, you're going to the 4th floor, oh no wait, you are being transferred to the 7th floor'. And for an alpha male like me, those 7 hours were a brutal test of patience.

We finally got transferred to a room on the 7th floor, with other people who have been operated on. Hummm ok. So that means she'll get operated on ? Why ? Don't they just burn ulcers with the camera light ? And why were the nursing personnel coming in to see us every 5 minutes ? Finally, around 9pm, the surgeon walked into the room and, after sending everyone out of the room, sat beside me at my wife's bedside.

Looking down, she got right to it: 'We performed a colonoscopy to go see what was in your colon and the reason why you were bleeding through the stool. What I have to tell you is not going to be good news. It actually quite bad. We found a growth in the colon and we are pretty sure it's cancer. We think you have colon cancer.'

Ouch.

A million questions went through our minds. What ? How ? Are you sure ? How bad is it ? What happens now ? ... and the big one ... What about the kids, what will happen to them ?

After a couple of my feeble and inept attempts to reassure her that everything would be OK - I didn't believe my own words - the surgeon went on to say that the operation would be early next morning and they were going to take out the piece of the colon with the tumor. It was all happening too fast. And this was the worst news we had ever gotten, and the closest we felt to death.

We called her parents and mine and a few close friends. More tears were shed. Some prayed with us, well they prayed and I listened, crying, broken. That night, I left the hospital to let her sleep before the operation, but we both didn't get much rest. I went from breaking out in tears to convincing myself that God was in control to praying for this nightmare to end and then back again to the tears.

As much as I prided myself on being someone who has accomplished much, none of that mattered. I wasn't in control. I was forced to rely on my faith and others. And it hurt.

The operation the next morning went well. During the operation, I was reading up on colon cancer and I found out that there were 12 risk factors... and that my wife had none of them. This was out of left field. So they took out the tumor and a piece of the colon, they reattached it to the small intestine. Then they confirmed through initial pathology that it was a malignant tumor and that there was a distinct possibility that there was a proliferation of the cancer in the body. More tests had to be done to determine the depth of the tumor and if any ganglion were hit. And the word 'chemotherapy' was mentioned as a possibility for the first time.

Ouch.

Then the support system started to react. More on this later, but suffice to say it was quite a challenge to manage the different reactions to my wife's cancer.

When I arrived Thursday morning to see her, they had moved her from room she was in to a quarantined one with gloves, masks and med coats at the door. What ? Why ? Well sir, they said, she has contracted a highly contagious bacteria during the operation - so we need to quarantine her and you need to dress up to go see her.

Ouch.

She left the hospital on Friday with antibiotics for the bacteria and staples on her scar but in great spirits. She was finally going to see the kids after an unexpected 6 days in the hospital. They needed to see her as much as she needed to see them.

We needed to wait 3 weeks before getting the full pathology results on the cancer. Longest 3 weeks of my life. I'm not very good at waiting so this was another brutal test of patience and faith. Finally, the oncologist tells us that the tumor was indeed malignant and a stage 4 one at that (out of 4) because it was at the colon wall and that the next step was out of the colon into the liver and the lungs. Good news though, there were no ganglion found out the 19 that were tested. He then entered the variables into a software (age, type of cancer, etc) and outputs 2 scenarios: one with chemo and another without. 'Basically without chemotherapy, he said to my wife, you have a 25 % chance to get cancer again in the next 5 years. And this time it won't be in the colon but in the lungs and the liver with palliative chemo treatments. With chemo, he goes on, you're chances fall to 15 % so you gain 10 % in your risk management for 6 months and 12 treatments of preventative chemo at the rate of one every two weeks for 3 days at a time. '

It didn't take us long to decide. We wanted to be able to say we did everything in our power to beat the cancer as best we knew how.

I had a revelation the first time we walked into the cancer-patients waiting room. Picture a room packed with older people with no hair and bandannas on their heads, most in wheelchairs, chatting, sharing and smiling. On the walls of this room, there were posters plastered everywhere about help support groups and phone numbers to call. And then it hit us - hard. This was us, these were our peers. We had instant solidarity with a group of strangers with similar worries and fears but also with similar dreams and hope. This was a fraternity, a microcosm of understanding and courage.

In the midst this whole experience, one piece of advice stuck out for me. It came from a two-time chemo patient who was sharing her experience with me. She said: 'God gives me and renews His grace and His strength one day at a time, not more, not less. So I every morning I wait on Him and every night I thank Him.' For a control freak like me, it was an earth-shattering statement.

Yesterday was her third treatment - 2 months after we first found out about the cancer. We now know that she lives the full force of the side-effects one week out of two. And we've adapted, and we're helping the kids adapt too. And our priorities have radically changed. I am now more at home and I do what my wife spent years compensating for what I should have done. I've had to quit many extra-curricular activities that have defined me in the past, like the Entrepreneurs' Organization, church and community activities.

Throughout this whole ordeal, my wife demonstrated a calm, a quiet strength, an integrity-filled character and courage that could shame the Wizard of Oz's lion. And, true to her sensitive self, I would often find her comforting others who had trouble dealing with her own cancer. I know...

Oh, and I have half a mind to call back the incompetent attending doctor at the local clinic.

--- THANK YOU ---
I'm grateful for so many things in the last 2 months and seeing these silver linings in the very black clouds was quite salutary.
- The blood in the stool as a sign was a rare and surprising occurrence.
- It was caught early, right before it hit the ganglion and the liver. It didn't splash to other organs.
- The operation went well and the intestinal reconnect too. She didn't have a stomach bag.
- It's in the colon, a body part we have a lot of.
- Her attitude is tops.
- She has 5 sisters and we have a fantastic family and friend support system. We truly felt the prayers done on our behalf and thoughts that were sent our way.
- The kids are awesome and have adapted well
- It didn't happen while she was pregnant. We would've lost the child or had to provoke her
- And finally, I am thankful for all the lessons learnt, the first of which was to learn 'to be thankful'. ;)

--- FRIENDSHIP ---
I learnt a lot about ways to react to this type of news through hundreds of different reactions. For me, the below reactions show true genuine friendship. These golden people :
- listen first and foremost... and talk a lot later
- don't look to offer grandiose solutions, because there aren't any
- are genuinely interested and worried about how we are, not just what we are going through
- don't think of themselves
- are proactive and creative about ways to help and encourage us
- don't preach to us or look to interpret for us the 'why' this is all happening
- are sensitive to our basic needs (like food, time, kids, mental health, morale, etc.)
- are just there.

This poem came back to me a couple of weeks ago. I had it in a quaint little book called Treasury of Inspiration that got me through some tough times in the past. It really defines the type of friendship that I appreciated.

'When trouble comes your soul to try,
You love the friend who just "stands by."
Perhaps there's nothing he can do --
The thing is strictly up to you;
For there are troubles all your own,
And paths the soul must tread alone;
Times when love cannot smooth the road
Nor friendship lift the heavy load,
But just to know you have a friend
who will "stand by" until the end,
whose sympathy through all endures,
Whose warm handclasp is always yours--
It helps, someway to pull you through,
Although there's nothing he can do.
and so with fervent heart you cry,
"God bless the friend who just 'stands by'!" '

Written by B.Y Williams, published in Poems That Touch The Heart by A.L. Alexander

--- MY OTHER LESSONS ---
There are so many things that I realized since that dreaded diagnostic. I must admit they were almost all ego-destroying lessons.

*Fair warning, many of these lessons are biased by my Bible-based world view.

- Anything can happen to Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere so essentially, my life is not my own (try telling that to an entrepreneur).
- No man is an island, I need help and need to learn to accept it.
- When I lost everything, all that was left was 1. Love from God and others, 2. Faith in His Word, His plan, my beliefs and my values and 3. Hope in a better tomorrow.
- The most powerful force on Earth is the collective, focused prayers of God's children.
- The theory of suffering is worth very little until it is fully experienced.
- God never promised me healing, or an explanation. He just promised His presence - and we have felt it.
- Life is so short, so we will live it up and only do things that stick to my core value with people that are fit with us.

--- CONCLUSION ---
I wrote this for you to know what transpired in the last 2 months. But in all honesty, I write this post mainly for me. It's therapeutic for me to put on (virtual) paper the fruit of this whole experience. It's not over, but at least now I know more of what I'm looking at... and whose looking at it with me.

--- COLON CANCER ---
Here is some general info on this type of cancer
- Wikipedia entry: Colorectal cancer