How to say 'How can I help you ?' ... and mean it

2/12/2007

Rarely a day goes by that I am either asking for some form of help or getting asked for help. It's in my business with clients, suppliers or employees. It's in my family with my wife and kids. It's in my church with the teens I mentor. It's in the startups I coach with those fantastic wide-eyed new entrepreneurs. It's in my social involvement.

In all honesty, I have more often been asked for help than the other way around. I could justify it by saying 'it's because I have more experience than most', but in reality, it's because I was taught that I should be able to fix things on my own.

Asking for help was seen as a form of weakness. Ever thought that ?

So I've started reflecting on the value of helping others and, especially, asking for help in return. When I look back on the great help I've received in any sphere of my life, I start to notice some interesting patterns, which I now apply.

First: I seek to understand...
- the other person's moral base, values and 'non-negotiables';
- the other person's life priorities;
- the other person's particular and contextual situation and how it may differ from my experience.

Then: I seek to demonstrate...
- what my moral base, values and 'non-negotiables' are;
- what my life priorities are;
- what my particular and contextual situation was;
- what I learnt from the experience and what I would do differently.

I can't stress this order enough. If I don't understand you first, how can I help you ? My ultimate goal is to help them determine their own path to maximum happiness according to their values and priorities (not mine).

Finally, if I give them advice, I try to underline the fact that I won't be offended if they heed it or not. Just seeing them reflect on these very personal questions is validation enough for me.

It never ceases to amaze me how this simple process has had long-reaching effects in my life. Little do they know that in this exchange where someone is seeking advice from me... it was I who was the most helped.

3 Comments

Denis Canuel link

3/12/2007 01:58:27 am

Jean,

I think you and I share a similar vision regarding this but I don%u2019t agree when you say that asking for help is a form of weakness. Let me explain. I was always told to do things myself. It%u2019s true that if you want to have it done your way, do it yourself. This gives you a lot of motivation.

But I think you must make a difference between %u201Casking for help%u201D and %u201Casking for knowledge%u201D. The way I see it, asking for help is more like begging. It%u2019s ok to help people once in a while but sadly, this won%u2019t really help them in the long run. They will come back and ask you for more help.

Asking for knowledge however, is a very positive thing in my opinion. If you don%u2019t know how to do something and you want to learn how to do it then there%u2019s nothing wrong with this. This is positive help. The person will know how to do it the right way and will hopefully mentor other people in return.

%u201CGive a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime%u201D

With this in mind, don%u2019t give up helping. Re-creating the wheel every time is not efficient for the humanity as a whole.

Jean Fahmy link

3/12/2007 03:03:56 am

Denis,

Thanks for your comments. I don't preclude teaching and mentoring so there is minimal dependence - actually I favor it.

I equate asking for help and asking for knowledge so we are on the same wave length.

thanks for reading

Laurent Duperval link

3/12/2007 04:56:17 am

Seek first to understand and then to be understood. That is one of my favourite sayings, from Steven Covey.

Like you, I have found that you can't help people unless you have a good idea of what they need. And in fact, often, they don't even want help. They want validation or critique of their ideas.

I used to be one of those people who would offer advice whenever someone came to me with a "problem". Until one day, I realized that some people didn't want help. They needed someone to help them think out loud.

One of the questions that I started using a while ago is, "And how can I help you?" It's amazing how seldom you hear "I want you to tell me what to do." It is most often, "I'd like to hear what you think about it."

I too, am realizing that asking for help can be a vital part of my ultimate success. And the help I receive will in turn, allow me to better help others around me.

Thanks for the reminder.

L

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